TOO MUCH SALAD HABIBI!

Picture this. You're winding through the contemptible streets of the Clapham-Battersea frontier, joined at the hip by two of your best buds. One of your companions bows his head, pulls down his umbrella and makes a suggestion, "a spot of dinner, perhaps?" You turn your head, checking the troops concur. A shared nod. "Lavender Hill, I know a place. Simple. Efficient."

You're swiftly placed adjacent to the window, raised above the street with a limpid view of the bustling atmosphere outside, both illicit and terrifying. But you're safe now, the diminutive Beiruti owner has built you a table, and placed a menu beneath your nose. "I COOK U EAT" daubed across the cover. You're at ease. 

Now the conversation is flowing. You and your chums have absorbed the aura of the dining room, fully transported to the mezzanine of a smoking lounge in the Levant. The full-fat coca cola (straw in can) has given you a little buzz and now you're ready to consume some Mediterranean cuisine. "Hmm, starters.." you draw your index finger across the page. "I'll have the tabbouleh please.. and I'll follow that with the mixed grill." A stunned silence. Your waiter's beaming smile turns sour. His eyes widen and pulsate. He pulls a fist from behind his notepad that slams down on the table. "TOO MUCH SALAD HABIBI!!! YOU HAVE THE HOUMOUS Ya Allah!" A sudden surge of pain rings around your neck as you begin to contemplate the gravity of the situation. You have shockingly and foolishly, in this man's restaurant, the core of his life's work, ordered salad as a component of both your starter and main course. Your face is flush with embarrassment as you begin to apologise profusely. "My friend... I... am... sorry" you say as you waft your arms like an aircraft marshal. 

The server relaxes. He was overcome with emotion and knew he had acted disproportionately. But he had his principles. Two servings of salad was undignified, it was immoral - greedy! you had to be put straight, and in this instance, thankfully, it was but a minor mistake. You raise your eyebrows, and the man offers a bashful smile, holsters his notepad and gets to work on your order. A silly error, but one you will never make again.